I Became a Barbarian’s Bride - Chapter 175

“…Can’t I take it by myself?”

“No.”

Kagan had spent the entire day keeping Nisha in bed, even helping her with her meals. He was beside her now as she reached for her medicine.

“…Really?”

When Nisha looked up at him with eyes like an abandoned kitten, Kagan froze for a moment.

“No.”

He answered firmly, his jaw tightening. He had already turned his head away, unable to face those eyes. Nisha sighed softly.

Even if most of her emotions had dulled, she still didn’t want to take the medicine, the one that made her feel as if she were dying, in front of someone whose presence made her heart race.

Especially not in front of someone who worried for her.

“…Really?”

“Yes.”

At his answer, Nisha fell silent, then slowly nodded. She knew she wouldn’t win against him.

‘I don’t want to.’

She gave him a sidelong glance, then squirmed under the blanket.

After tossing the medicine into her mouth and swallowing it down with gulps of water, she quickly buried her face and body deep beneath the covers.

“Princess? What are you doing right now?”

“Ugh-…”

A faint groan came from beneath the blanket, and soon it began to tremble slightly.

Kagan’s eyes widened, and he hurriedly pulled the blanket back.

There, clutching her throat with a pained expression, Nisha was writhing in agony. His face went pale as he froze in shock.

“Princess?”

Her body convulsed for a few moments more before suddenly going limp, collapsing all at once.

The trembling stopped, and she appeared to be asleep, her face calm as though nothing had happened.

It was exactly the same as the last time he had found her like this.

The sight left him speechless. He stared down at her, frozen in horror, her breath was still.

Now he understood why she hadn’t wanted him to see.

No one would ever want to show themselves like this.

At the same time, his heart sank.

‘What kind of life has she been living…’

How many times had she gone through this, and with what kind of feeling, to take that medicine?

And to do it all with such quiet, unshaken calm.

He couldn’t even bring himself to ask when it had begun.

The way she took the medicine, hid away, and slowly fell still, seemed far too practiced.

Even in pain, when her eyes finally closed, she looked more peaceful than anyone in the world.

Had she trained herself for this?

So that no one would see how much it hurt?

Did she do this so no one could tell if she was simply asleep?

So this was what it meant for one’s mind to go blank. Kagan slowly rubbed his face.

When he reached out to touch her, there was still warmth left in her skin, faint and lukewarm.

Come to think of it, her body was always either lukewarm or cold.

Lately, he had thought she felt warmer, but that too had returned to how it used to be.

He had known he would see her like this.

He had known, and still he had given her permission.

Even so, the weight in his chest would not ease. He exhaled slowly, rubbing his face again.

He had already ended the lives of hundreds.

In war, killing was constant, and what he saw without rest were the wounded and the dying.

What did death mean to Nisha?

Was it something she could so easily grant herself, without hesitation?

Kagan shook his head.

He had seen many people die, but never one who looked so peaceful in death.

She had simply swallowed the medicine, slipped under the covers with an expression that showed only mild discomfort at being seen, and hid herself away.

There was not a trace of fear toward death in her face.

Perhaps that was only natural. After all, she was not dying by accident but by her own will.

It should have been understandable, yet he still felt a deep, suffocating despair and disgust rising within him.

He had decided he would let her do as she wished until her heart found peace.

A life long oppressed.

In that life, the only thing where she found meaning was in saving and healing others.

If that was where she sought her own worth he had decided not to take that away from her. He wanted her to feel secure and settled in Xieman before doing so.

Naturally, that thought had not changed.

But how many more times would she have to cross the river of death to make that possible?

“…Adin must have known all of this.”

There must have been a reason why a god chose someone like her, a broken soul with a self-sacrificing nature, to be Xieman’s Katun.

Or perhaps Adin had brought misfortune upon her precisely to make her into one.

He knew he shouldn’t think that way, yet his thoughts kept spiraling, refusing to stop.